Professor: You know, I never wanted to be a head of department.

Lab members appear, wearing white coats and carrying micropipettes.  

Postdoc: Really?

Professor: I only ever wanted to be…a biochemist! Leaping from bay to bay! Floating over the centrifuges as they separate rivers of supernatant. The Eppendorf 5810-R, the Sartorius Centrisart G16, the majestic Sorvall WX ultracentrifuge, the mighty Beckman Coulter Optima MAX-TL. The smell of fresh-dissected rat livers! The crash of breaking glassware! With my labmates by my side. We’d sing, sing, sing!

To the tune of Monty Python’s “Lumberjack song”:

Professor:
I’m a scientist and I’m ok,
I work in the lab all night and day.

Lab members:
He’s a scientist and he’s ok,
He works in the lab all night and day!

Professor:
I grind up cells, I spin them down, I do biochemistry.
Reconstitute in vitro, that’s my philosophy!

Lab members:
He grinds up cells, he spins them down, he does biochemistry.
Reconstitute in vitro, that’s his philosophy!

He’s a scientist and he’s ok,
He works in the lab all night and day!

Professor:
I grind up cells, I write up grants, I wield increasing power;
I dress in business clothing, and have meetings for hours!

Lab members:
He grinds up cells, he writes up grants, he wields increasing power;
He puts on business clothing…and has meetings for hours???

(pause, then brightly again)

He’s a scientist and he’s ok,
He works in the lab all night and day!

Professor:
I wear a suit, a shirt and tie, I chair committees now;
I wish I still did benchwork, but I’ve forgotten how!

Lab members:
He wears a suit…tie…committees?

Professor: (grasping a micropipette upside-down)
Now, how do you hold one of these things again?

[Don't let this happen to you!]

Originally posted on Total Internal Reflection - here.

Original image generated using MidJourney.